Turn that frown upside down, Part I
07 May 2012 5 Comments
in Fashion, Goals, Health Stuff Tags: bipolar, extreme, fashion, hair, local business, Meredith, Mr. Alan's Lifestyle Salon, poet
When I started to realize that my increasing anxiety and depression were something to take seriously (thanks in part to a heart-to-heart with my friend TCB, who also recently started dealing medically with depression), in addition to going to the doctor I started a regimen of serious, sustained happy-making.
When a person hits this low of a point, this is actually harder than it may sound.
When you’re depressed, you don’t necessarily have the energy to feed and bathe yourself, let alone maintain a regimen of happy-making. But I gave it my best shot, and I think coupled with the meds and support, it helped a great deal.
So I decided I should probably do a series of posts devoted to what a happy-making regimen is and what mine was/is.
Happy-making: n. the act of making oneself happy, or at least less depressed, by engaging in simple, subtle, or extreme activities that lift one’s spirits. v. the action of performing these tasks, which may include a variety of diverse and often unrelated things that is different for every person in most cases.
First on my list was changing my hair. My cute cut from Melanie from Vain (which I refer to as hair therapy since she rescued me from a, gasp, shag!) the last time I visited my friend in Seattle was all grown out.
I wanted/need hair that tells people I am a poet at first glance. I don’t want to be mistaken for a conservative, even up here in the Appalachian mountains!
So a month ago, I went to Mr. Alan’s Lifestyle Salon and had Meredith give me this asymmetrical bob (my favorite type of cut, especially for my round face) along with some funky new hair color.
Side view. You can see the angle.
The back is short and a little shaved at the bottom.
I had wanted purple highlights with a silver streak where my own Rogue-esque streak already is, but Meredith had trouble getting the color to stick to the Garnier Fruitis I had on my hair already. So I ended up with a painted true red with a painted blonde streak. Still pretty cool.
But ultimately, I was going for this! I love comic books and anything Joss Whedon writes, so Frey is a current love. I wanted her hair cut: a little longer than her shoulders in the front, super short in the back with flips and curls. The dye job is a little intense for me (I’m not a pink person)…but this is my goal.
So this past Thursday, I went back and had Meredith do this to the back! I’m getting closer.
Meredith always does a crazy styling job, but this gives you a basic idea that the front is still basically the same.
I am so much cooler now temperature-wise, and I also think my hair is pretty cool, too.
In another month, I will have the back trimmed and give the purple dye another shot!
It makes me happy!
What makes you happy?
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Dancing with chronic pain…
06 May 2012 6 Comments
in Health Stuff Tags: bipolar, cold weather, fibromyalgia, health care
I posted this as a reply to a post here but decided I should make this a full blog entry in its own right.
The reason why I started seeking help from my bipolar disorder in the first place was because my fibromyalgia symptoms became so severe and the resulting depression was crippling.
I was diagnosed with fibro in 2008, but I’m pretty sure issues starting popping up in 2002 when I got a severe and prolonged case of mononucleosis (a.k.a. glandular fever).
According to fibromodem: “The common denominator with all chronic conditions (not just FM): those who are diagnosed with them tend to feel isolated: mentally and physically. It’s a huge blow to learn you will forever have an incurable syndrome that may affect mobility, lifestyle and independence.”
As I’ve mentioned before, dealing with these types of issues can be very difficult, and when I was replying to NZ Cate with some suggestions for surviving her first fibro winter, I realized I have assorted a very long list of tips and tricks that I use that I wanted to share here:
I live on the east coast of the US in Maryland. We have warmer winters now than when I was a kid, but temperatures can dip down to the teens in Fahrenheit. I do find that cold (and damp cold especially) make my pain worse. But it is not really the temperature. I can actually be in more pain on a 50 degree rainy day than a 32 day that is crisp. I actually think it has more to do with changes in temperature (so the lead up to winter hurts me more) and especially barometric pressure (like the lead up to a storm). [...]
As far as helpful hints, of course everyone is different, but here are some things I’ve been doing (and tweaking) for years. [...] I use a heated blanket with various settings. I find that is it much better than a simple heating pad since it is all over and easier to use. I imagine a hot water bottle would also work (or a warm dog or cat!), but I find weight to aggravate my pain. Even layers of blankets will kill me, or the weight of my ankles touching. I use multiple pillows to wedge under pressure points–ankles, knees, hips, shoulders (I sleep on my side), and head. I also use three different foam pads stacked on my bed to make it softer and to get me farther away from the springs.
While I need to get enough sleep, too much laying around also gets me stiff, so some gentle yoga stretches can help. I also drink ginger tea to warm me up, and bi-weekly massage therapy to improve circulation (when I can afford it). Arnica gel is another natural pain reliever that I use, and peppermint essential oil. I also occasionally use a fabric compression brace on my hand and wrist.
But even with all of that, eventually my pain got too severe (related to stress, I think, beginning last November), and after thinking about it for a long time, I finally decided to try a medication. Starting on March 1st, I take 30mg of Cymbalta once a day. Most of my pain has vanished, but on damp days, cold snaps, or other temperature or weather changes, I still have pain. Cymbalta has a list of side-effects as long as my arm (which is why I waited so long to start it), and for the first two weeks, I was pretty sick with nausea,]extreme sleepiness,] dizziness, and still have dry-mouth (which can mess up your teeth). I’m doing well now.
Pretty well. I’m not sure if my cycles just started getting more frequent on their own or if the Cymbalta had something to do with that, but in any case, I have “episodes” about twice a month now.
I have decided to keep a sleep journal, charting when I sleep and how much as that is usually an indicator of where I am on the mood scale. And after reading this post by Sarah in Seattle along with the comments, I have started adding some descriptors of my moods.
I’m hoping the combination of educating myself and charting my symptoms will better assist me and my doctor in treatment.
If you have fibro, or really any type of chronic illness, I would highly suggest keeping up with blogs (and maybe even starting one or journaling) for two reasons:
1) Seeing what others are doing, not doing, dealing with, coping with, etc. was an incredible help to me. I feel much more connected now, and I’ve only been at this about a week.
2) You will potentially see a much bigger picture and patterns may emerge when you are charting and tracking things that may have escaped your notice otherwise.
In any case, I wish you more good days than bad!
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It only took me three years…
05 May 2012 2 Comments
in Art, Goals Tags: art, body image, creativity, Frida Kahlo, Julia Cameron, modeling, nude modeling, painters, painting, self-confidence, The Artist's Way
Once upon a time, long, long ago, there was a girl who enjoyed taking her clothes off. I say enjoyed because she was so very comfortable undressing in front of people, even me when we first met.
I was intrigued by this because a) she has basically a perfect body and b) she was always very comfortable with her body. Those two things rarely go together for women, I think, and b) is exceptionally rare. I always wanted to know her secret.
After I met her parents and younger siblings–hippy, groovy, love-the-earth-and-yourself people whom I love–I had a clue. But I wanted her type of confidence desperately. She practically drips it out of her pores!
I definitely didn’t have a confidence building childhood, so I was stumped. Fortunately for me, she decided to remain my friend and also become my personal cheering section, encouraging and supporting me without fail.
I was still a little jealous.
After college, she ended up doing some nude modeling for artists to make ends meet between jobs. I became enraptured with the idea. Maybe that was my ticket!?! I would strip and find my confidence underneath!
When the temporary madness cleared, I realized that I was not going to do that. Ever.
Then during the summer of 2009, I took a class based on Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. For many reasons, it was an important class that had a profound impact on the course of my life, but one thing that did come up was a conversation about my old idea of nude modeling.
Several of the painters in the class told me about a local life drawing group that was always looking for models and which pays $20 per hour. I filed the information away and kept thinking about it.
Eventually, after having a note on my to-do list to call the facilitator for over a year, I finally got the gumption to be added to the list of models in Summer 2011. The first time I was called, I was busy. I was a little relieved.
Then money got tighter. And tighter.
The next time the facilitator called, I gladly accepted the invitation to sit for two sessions for a painting. And this past Thursday, I sat for my first modeling gig.
The Studio is in the basement of The Cumberland Theatre (click image to follow link), which is an old church. The chair was really very comfortable. The only thing that was a little annoying was the robe was too small, which I expected, so I will have to buy one.
The artists, three women and two men, sat in a circle facing me. It was a little intimidating at first. But as soon as I got the robe off, I actually felt better.
I experienced an odd feeling as I posed for the first 20 min. session. All of these people wanted to be here, looking at me. They were intrigued by all my bumps and curves from an artistic point of view. They were not concerned with my dress size! They didn’t care how things sagged other than those sags made for a more interesting sketch.
They were observing, but not judging.
That is a very different sensation than I usually experience when I go out in public fully dressed. I usually hate sitting in restaurants eating by myself because I think about how I must look. Gods forbid I am eating dessert by myself!
I also struggle with high, occasionally paralyzing levels of social anxiety (I keep it well hidden). Some days I simply cannot leave my house, which is why I prefer working from home.
I admit I was nervous Thursday. I arrived almost an hour early, sitting in my car trying not to think about what I was going to do. I texted my friend, and she of course gave me enthusiastic encouragement (along with some practical tips: “If you’re doing a pose for longer that 10 min, choose one that is VERY easy. You will get tired!” and “never let them choose your pose. They can SUGGEST. But you are the one who has to live with it!”
During the first pose, my breathing was rapid and shallow, my muscles tense. But as I slowed and deepened my breathing, my body relaxed.
By the final pose (same pose, I just got a break after every 20 minutes and had to get back into the same pose), I was almost asleep!
So another life goal accomplished…and it only took me three years!
P.S. I took pictures of the works in progress, but I don’t think I am going to post them here. One of them actually looks like me a little. The guys’ breasts, to quote Frida, lacked gravity, and they tended to draw a bigger bellied figure than the women. It was interesting to also note the differences in mediums and skill levels.
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Financial roller coaster…
04 May 2012 1 Comment
in Work Tags: checkbook, finances, freelancing, money, unemployment
Every coin has two sides, right? And even though I have precariously few coins at the moment, today’s financial proceedings had both good and bad elements.
Bad: I woke up in a foul mood and decided I should flake on tutoring. I really wanted to get more pictures of the kittens, but I was in no shape to mold young minds. So I lost out on $10.
Bad: I checked my account balance and realized my unemployment benefits deposit was lower than expected. After some digging, I found out thanks to Congress and lower unemployment rates in the rest of Maryland (like in the metro areas), the number of weeks I can get benefits was reduced, and I have exhausted all funds. No letter, no warning, just no more money.
Good: I can, however, file a new claim in West Virginia since I was technically working there.
Bad: It will be two weeks until I can get paid. Worse: I will be automatically penalized a week. Worser: It will only be $78 a week, which will not cover rent.
Good: This means I should have my Foodstamps upped.
Bad: It is 10 more days until this months FS benefits arrive and my cupboards are bare.
Good: I met with a freelance client and was paid $30 in cash (plus he is a really nice guy).
Good: I did my first nude modeling gig (which went great, more later), and was paid $40 in cash.
Bad: I was super hungry when I got home and splurged on pizza, spending some of today’s haul.
At least the balance is close. I decided, on a whim, to get an Unbirthday Ice Cream Cake, and it will be ready tomorrow. It may be an expense, but I wanted to celebrate being brave today with the modeling.
It’s going to be purple with extra flowers, and I invited my Little Guests to stop by for a piece. Sometimes I wish I could treat my checking account like a tea party with the Mad Hatter…
Clean account, clean account…move down, Move Down, MOVE DOWN!
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A good bipolar read…
03 May 2012 1 Comment
in Books, Health Stuff Tags: bipolar, books to read
Recommendation to read An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison. Must put it on my “to-read” list!
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Ohhh! Shiny!
02 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Writing Tags: new & improved
I’ve streamlined, updated, and improved the layout of my blog Living on the Green Edge.
Check out all the new stuff!
I decided to use the Koi theme because, though it is not unique, it is pretty.
When is honesty the best policy?
02 May 2012 7 Comments
in Health Stuff Tags: bipolar, honesty, illness
That’s a tricky one…
When your new boss asks you if you have any thoughts on a project (and I always do), that is NOT the best time for honesty. Neither is it the time for honesty when your little sister first asks you what you think of her fiancé.
Honesty is also really difficult when you are sick.
Sure, if your leg falls off and you are annoyingly bleeding about the room, you can be honest. Or maybe if you have a stomach flu for a sensibly limited amount of time, like a weekend when your work/friends aren’t doing anything important. Or maybe a car accident (with visible injuries, to you or the car).
But that’s the point, isn’t it. It has to be visible. It has to fit with other people’s definition of reasonable, believable, temporary.
Because people get bored with long term illness, and people tend to disbelieve illnesses that are not on the surface. Which is crazy since there are so many: narcolepsy, depression/mental illness, HIV, fibromyalgia, cancer….
I know/knew people will all of those illnesses, and really, it is only people with those illnesses who understand that when you tell someone you are not feeling well that it covers more than a virus or a open wound.
Essentially, being sick with something other than a “socially acceptable” illness means you can’t be honest when people ask you how you feel or what exactly is wrong with you (why the hell is that always the first fucking question?)…it makes you a liar.
I was diagnosed as bipolar over 9 years ago but had the diagnosis removed from my record and stopped seeing that doctor. Talk about a river in Egypt. I just started seeing a new therapist and have an appointment with a psychiatrist on the 12th to finally address the issue.
This is the first time I have ever been honest about my diagnosis. I’ve only told a small handful of close friends. And not all of them have had the full story complete with labels.
Some people are very honest like Sarah from Seattle.
I think she is incredibly brave. Just reading her About page made me feel better about myself and made me decide to go ahead with this post (which I’ve been thinking about for over a week).
Not that I think this post is going to get certain people off of my back. Or help people be more understanding when I blow through deadlines, miss meetings, buy $400 worth of comic books, or adopt three new cats in less that two months (the kittens will be here in just three weeks!).
But I needed to put this down, on the record, for myself. I need to label things. It makes them easier to tackle. And at my current rate of a hard-turn-cycle every 4 to 5 days, I need to tackle this. I need to start writing poetry again. I need to file my paperwork for school next semester and figure out a way to pay May’s rent.
I have good days moments and bad ones, but my standard reply to “How are you?” is now “It’s a good day” or, like today, “It’s not such a good day.”
And I hope that will be enough honesty for you.
P.S. (05-05-12) I just read this and thought it is a perfect quote: “Don’t ever ask ‘How are you?’ or ‘How are you feeling?’ because the answer never changes and I don’t want to talk about it. Instead ask, ‘How is your day going?’ or ‘Is there anything you need help with today?’” Thank you, Purple Law Lady!
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![Sarah @ bi[polar] curious](http://1.gravatar.com/avatar/7042b0c49e90028f44fc65623f1d31dc?s=30&d=identicon&r=PG){kind=avatar}
Rediscovery
02 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Nonprofit / Social Justice Tags: charity, creativity, music, NGO, singing
I’m actually a little nervous. Wednesday is the try-outs for the NET AID Benefit Concert, and I’m gonna give it a shot. The last time I sang on a stage for an audience was in 2004 for the St. Mary’s choir.
All those years ago I decided to abandon singing. Why, you may ask, dear reader?
Because I was never all that great and needed to focus on pursuits that might turn into semi-profitable career prospects. So I threw myself into on-campus activism and building the most impressive not-for-profit resume credentials I knew how.
Needless to say, that plan sucked.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. I think I helped to accomplish a lot on the SMCM campus, for what it was worth. And I have interesting stories for cocktail chit-chat. But graduating in 2008 gave me near-zero job prospects in any case and especially abysmal ones in the NGO sphere.
I still sing when I vacuum…
Which until recently was almost never. So when a very cool and talented young woman invited me to the try-outs, I decided to give it a shot.
If you live in the Western Maryland area, you should totally stop by!
Mostly I like to sing old gospel songs, like the ones from O! Brother Where Art Thou? It’s not that I’m religious, or even Christian.
I like to sing them because I think they sound beautiful. And because the lyrics are simple and repetitive enough that I can occasionally memorize one. I can also sing them a cappella, which means I don’t have to be good enough to keep time with a musician, and they sound pretty good in my bastardized mezzo soprano/alto one/harmony.
I’m planning on singing “Down to the River to Pray”, “Didn’t Leave Nobody, But the Baby”, and (if I can learn all the lyrics in time) “Ain’t No Grave” (the Crooked Still version since it is simpler).
Of course, if I really wanted to freak people out, I could sing this one by Jen Titus, but I am a ways from learning the whole song…wish me luck, er, to break a vocal chord!
If a picture is worth a thousand words…
01 May 2012 4 Comments
…then a blog without them isn’t worth 2 cents.
I need a camera! So far the pictures I have been posting are shot with either my webcam (Thank you sexy, anonymous benefactor!) or my little sister’s Kodak Easy Share that I have on long-term loan.
Knowing my sister that could be a few more weeks or a few more minutes (last time I talked to her she hung up on me and I left a “strongly” worded voice mail telling her what I thought of that).
I needz one!
So…suggestions???
I have no idea what I want in a camera other than nice pictures. And my price range is, well, “modest” is a very pc way of putting it. Something under $100 for sure. Under $50 would be a wonderful dream come true.
Come on people! Throw your expert and/or baseless opinions at me!
