I am a Wikipedia cut and paste

So, I went to see my counselor today and finished the last of the psych eval questions. There were over 700 questions altogether. I don’t even think that is the last of it, but I should have some results and possibly a clearer diagnosis soon.

The oddest part about taking these tests is that they stirred up a lot of stuff for me that I was not at all expecting. I had terrible nightmares after the first session, and had to skip testing the next day.

I have tried to track my moods still, and I think when I start hitting the single digits it is time for me to be a little concerned. I’ve tried to define exactly how I am feeling, since it is so confusing (and I’ve still been confused).

Enter Sarah from Seattle! She wrote about two different types of manic periods, which I’d not read about before. And as I was posting a comment to her blog, I realized I should re-post my response here. A little bit of self-plagiarism, if you will.

“I like the idea of defining two different types of manic episodes. I’ve not really heard about that elsewhere. I love how you can put something into words I’ve only begun to start noticing…

“I think this is what I was trying to explain to my counselor (rather unsuccessfully) that before I started taking Cymbalta my manic episodes where the racing, intense, 12 project, chest pounding kind. And that was good for me because I was working and managing projects and my life was a house ‘o fire. I could let grading slide for weeks and then barrel through a month’s worth of grading in a few days. I could put events or school packets together at the last-minute that looked well planed out, etc.

“But now, I have two OTHER kinds. 1) I am so wired I can’t sleep but also can’t be productive. While I used to be able to write whole poems during a manic cycle, I have trouble concentrating on any task. Everything is just a blur and I can’t focus. I can only sit around and think. And play video games.

“Then, recently, I have been getting these rather frantic periods of no sleep, buzzing thought, but my mood is subterranean. I guess that would be a mixed episode.”

I actually looked up the definition of a mixed episode because I was unsure. To my aid comes Wikipedia, which is actually a much nicer way to read about mental health issues than is WebMD (haven of hypochondriacs).

Here is the definition:

“In the context of mental disorder, a mixed state, also known as dysphoric mania, agitated depression, or a mixed episode, is a condition during which symptoms of mania and depression occur simultaneously, such as agitation, anxiety, fatigue, guilt, impulsiveness, irritability, morbid or suicidal ideation, panic, paranoia, pressured speech and rage. Typical examples include tearfulness during a manic episode or racing thoughts during a depressive episode. One may also feel incredibly frustrated or be prone to fits of rage in this state, since one may feel like a failure and at the same time have a flight of ideas. Mixed states are often the most dangerous period of mood disorders, during which susceptibility to substance abuse, panic disorder, commission of violence, suicide attempts, and other complications increase greatly.”

To be diagnosed as having a mixed state, symptoms are supposed to last a week, but then it says, “However, mixed episodes rarely conform to these qualifications; they may be described more practically as any combination of depressive and manic symptoms.“

I also learned that “some antidepressant drugs may trigger dysphoric mania in susceptible individuals.” So I am thinking since I have felt this way since stopping the Lamictal, it might be having some lingering effects.

So, what about treatment?

Good question, since I’m not really sure.

As I mentioned, I was prescribed two new medicines: Saphris (asenapine) and Cogentin (benztropine).

According to Wikipedia, “Treatment of mixed states is typically based upon administration of mood stabilizing medication, which may include anticonvulsants such as valproic acid; atypical antipsychotics such asolanzapine, aripiprazole, and ziprasidone; or first-generation antipsychotics such as haloperidol…Mood stabilizers work to reduce the manic symptoms associated with the mixed state, but they are not considered particularly effective for improving concurrent depressive symptoms.“

Saphris is an atypical antipsychotic, but it tastes SO BAD, I threw up the first time I tried to dissolve it under my tongue as directed. My doctor wrote the script for the black cherry flavor, but the pharmacist gave me the plain ones. Why would a company even think of marketing something that tastes so foul!?!

My counselor sent my shrink an email asking if it is alright if I just swallow them.

The Cogentin is to control the seizures and muscle pain I am still occasionally having and which the Saphris could make worse. I have resumed taking it. So I’m currently taking three meds.

I would say, as bad a depressed states are, a mixed one is worse because I can’t take refuge in bed. In fact, I’ve not slept in my bed in several days, just cat-napping on the couch in the A/C.

I’m still having trouble keeping up with simple things such as checking my voice messages or answering emails. And next week is the day camp I am supposed to be teaching! I need to work up my lesson plans ASAP!

So if any of you are waiting on an email, phone call, etc., please don’t take it personally. I will get back to you before the year is out, I promise!

A quick Google search…

How I’ve felt lately…

A blur, that’s how the past few days feel. It’s not like I’ve lost time again, I just haven’t done anything worth really remembering.

I guess the important stuff for those of you who may care is as follows:

–> I went to my PCP (primary care physician for those of you still without insurance), and she did blood work and had me go for a CT scan to see if that episode was a stroke or not. Between my shrink and my doc, the three guesses in the running are 1) an idiosyncratic (read: I’m special) severe reaction to the increasing dosage of the Lamictal, 2) a stroke, or 3) a psychotic break. I have several appointments this week to figure out if there is any permanent damage.

–> I was put on two new medications. One is an anti-seizure medicine and the other an anti-psychotic. The jury is still out on them.

–> A friend brought me another A/C unit, so while I had felt like I was going to boil alive in my apartment (at least 100 degrees in the kitchen) and was living on cold baked beans and crackers (the living room was 96), it is now a mere 76 degrees in here. Last night I was able to cook a proper meal (chicken helper made with tuna).

–> I can’t pay July’s rent, so eviction procedures will start again. I made the rounds to Social Security, Social Services, and HRDC, and the result was “Maybe.” Maybe I can get some help, maybe I will have to live in my car, maybe I will have to beg my sister to let my cats live with her.

I’ve tried to have everyone who owes me money to pay up. So far, out of the $900+ that is legitimately owed to me from various sources, I managed to scrape up $75 in a partial refund from a writer’s retreat in April I didn’t go to because I was sick.

~~~

I am finding that I am less and less interested in being on my personal Facebook account. I have 435 friends on Facebook. I am sure well over half of them have no idea what I am going through even through this blog entry, as they all are, will be posted on both my personal account and my page.

I am very tempted to delete all the people I’ve not really had any contact with since this all started. I’d drop down below 100, I’m sure. In any case, I created an alternate profile. I have 250 friends who play the same three games I do. Some of them post very funny things, and in the one gaming group, everyone is polite and has no idea that for the last several months I have slowly and painfully going insane.

They have no past to judge me by, so perceived or expected achievements; they make no demands (other than requests for in-game resources). I have fun there. I like it there. I want to stay.