What can I do?

That is what a friend messaged me tonight in response to me being honest about how bad things are: What can I do?

And the answer is, I’m not sure. However, I need an answer to that question since I know I need help.

I have been tracking my mood on a UK site that I love, Moodscope.com, for a while know. While I am sure two people could score the same and not be feeling the same, I have figured out what the numbers mean for me. So here is a guide, for anyone brave enough to be one of my mood buddies, of how the numbers break down.

90%+ = Manic. I am likely to take lots of risks and do very stupid things like unprotected sex with a bisexual heroin addict or spend the month’s rent on comic books.

90% – 70% = I am handling my shit fairly well. I will fluctuate in response to stress, but over all things are ok.

70% – 50% = Something external, like a deadline, is not going well and a little bit of help or space will help, but I am still pretty good.

50% – 20% = I need support because things are feeling hectic. Some practical, concrete help is needed. I may have trouble articulating it, but I would appreciate you offering before I ask. A phone call would be fantastic. Make sure I am still taking my meds.

20% = 10% = I really need some help. I probably still can’t ask, but if you can spend the day with me or offer to take over a responsibility (like making dinner), it would mean the world to me. I probably can’t handle a phone conversation as it is too much for me. And no matter how much I deny it, I need company, too. Sit with me while I try to get my shit together. I may start drinking or smoking to self-medicate. This is not a good behavior because of the meds I take. I may also stop taking meds, quickening the spiral.

-10% = An ER visit or hospital stay is probably going to happen. I might get into fights and say hurtful things I don’t mean. Or get in trouble with the police for disturbing the peace, theft, or shoplifting. Or I might start hurting myself, like slamming my hand into a wall or cutting myself or vomiting or starving myself. I may even slap myself or other extreme types of behaviors. I need help immediately. A hotline call might be too much for me to do on my own; I may fight it. But I MUST get to someplace SAFE right away and get back on my meds.