It only took me three years…

Once upon a time, long, long ago, there was a girl who enjoyed taking her clothes off. I say enjoyed because she was so very comfortable undressing in front of people, even me when we first met.

I was intrigued by this because a) she has basically a perfect body and b) she was always very comfortable with her body. Those two things rarely go together for women, I think, and b) is exceptionally rare. I always wanted to know her secret.

After I met her parents and younger siblings–hippy, groovy, love-the-earth-and-yourself people whom I love–I had a clue. But I wanted her type of confidence desperately. She practically drips it out of her pores!

I definitely didn’t have a confidence building childhood, so I was stumped. Fortunately for me, she decided to remain my friend and also become my personal cheering section, encouraging and supporting me without fail.

I was still a little jealous.

After college, she ended up doing some nude modeling for artists to make ends meet between jobs. I became enraptured with the idea. Maybe that was my ticket!?! I would strip and find my confidence underneath!

When the temporary madness cleared, I realized that I was not going to do that. Ever.

Then during the summer of 2009, I took a class based on Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. For many reasons, it was an important class that had a profound impact on the course of my life, but one thing that did come up was a conversation about my old idea of nude modeling.

Several of the painters in the class told me about a local life drawing group that was always looking for models and which pays $20 per hour. I filed the information away and kept thinking about it.

Eventually, after having a note on my to-do list to call the facilitator for over a year, I finally got the gumption to be added to the list of models in Summer 2011. The first time I was called, I was busy. I was a little relieved.

Then money got tighter. And tighter.

The next time the facilitator called, I gladly accepted the invitation to sit for two sessions for a painting. And this past Thursday, I sat for my first modeling gig.

The Studio is in the basement of The Cumberland Theatre (click image to follow link), which is an old church. The chair was really very comfortable. The only thing that was a little annoying was the robe was too small, which I expected, so I will have to buy one.

The artists, three women and two men, sat in a circle facing me. It was a little intimidating at first. But as soon as I got the robe off, I actually felt better.

I experienced an odd feeling as I posed for the first 20 min. session. All of these people wanted to be here, looking at me. They were intrigued by all my bumps and curves from an artistic point of view. They were not concerned with my dress size! They didn’t care how things sagged other than those sags made for a more interesting sketch.

They were observing, but not judging.

That is a very different sensation than I usually experience when I go out in public fully dressed. I usually hate sitting in restaurants eating by myself because I think about how I must look. Gods forbid I am eating dessert by myself!

I also struggle with high, occasionally paralyzing levels of social anxiety (I keep it well hidden). Some days I simply cannot leave my house, which is why I prefer working from home.

I admit I was nervous Thursday. I arrived almost an hour early, sitting in my car trying not to think about what I was going to do. I texted my friend, and she of course gave me enthusiastic encouragement (along with some practical tips: “If you’re doing a pose for longer that 10 min, choose one that is VERY easy. You will get tired!” and “never let them choose your pose. They can SUGGEST. But you are the one who has to live with it!”

During the first pose, my breathing was rapid and shallow, my muscles tense. But as I slowed and deepened my breathing, my body relaxed.

By the final pose (same pose, I just got a break after every 20 minutes and had to get back into the same pose), I was almost asleep!

So another life goal accomplished…and it only took me three years!

P.S. I took pictures of the works in progress, but I don’t think I am going to post them here. One of them actually looks like me a little. The guys’ breasts, to quote Frida, lacked gravity, and they tended to draw a bigger bellied figure than the women. It was interesting to also note the differences in mediums and skill levels.